A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5,000.”

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. They cost  only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Oh, that monkey can program in C; very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.

“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a Project Manager.”

A programmer’s wife says to him, “Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer returns with 12 loaves of bread.

A primary school teacher was asking his students what their parents did for a living. “Tom, you be first. What does your mother do all day?” Tom stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?” Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a postman.” “Thank you, Amy” said the teacher.

“What does your father do, Johnny?” Johnny proudly stood up and announced, “My dad plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and went to Johnny’s house and rang the doorbell. Johnny’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Johnny’s father said, “I’m actually a system programmer specialising in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

Life Before the Computer:

• An application was for employment
• A program was a TV show
• A cursor used profanity
• A keyboard was a piano!
• Memory was something that you lost with age
• If you had a 3 ½ inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out!
• Compress was something you did to garbage, not something you did to a file
• And if you unzipped anything in public, you’d be in jail for awhile!
• Log on was adding wood to a fire
• A hard drive was a long trip on the road
• A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
• Cut, you did with scissors
• Paste, you did with glue
• A web was a spider’s home
• And a virus was the flu!

A program manager has been working his team extra hard and as a small reward offers to take two of the engineers out to lunch.

Walking to the restaurant they trip over a magic lamp and out pops a genie offering them each one wish.

The first engineer asks for a yacht in the Pacific with $1 million on board and 20 beautiful girls. Poof! He is off to his yacht in the Pacific.

The second engineer says, “That sounds great! I’ll have the same, except put my yacht in the Caribbean.” Poof! He is off to his yacht in the Caribbean.

“And what is your wish?” the genie asks the program manager. “I want those two back at work in 30 minutes.”

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

The fourth surgeon said, “I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a drink?”

The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

A guy is taking a walk one day and sees a frog by the side of the road.

As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. ‘Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.’The guy picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, ‘Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I’m a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.’ The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. ‘I don’t get it. Why won’t you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.’ The guy says, ‘Look, I’m a computer geek. I don’t have time for girls. But a talking frog is pretty cool!’

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket but the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

“How are you all going to travel on a single ticket?” asked a lawyer.

“Wait and watch”, answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, “Ticket, please.” The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they only bought one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. “How are you all going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

“Wait and watch”, answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please…”

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to my Mum’s place.”

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?