Engineering Jokes 2

A mine in a small town had completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local bar. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a German and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in? Well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me just look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender sceptically served the German his beer and then came back to talk to the engineer, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

Bubba and Billy Ray, both mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Billy Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Two bone weary programmers were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take a break. But there had to be a way...

One of the two programmers suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his PL. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the PL emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the programmer hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the programmer.

"I think you need some time off," barked the PL. "Get out of here – that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the programmer answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second programmer was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

An arts student, sick of working at a fast food cafe for what had seemed an eternity, decided to get a job working as a labourer at a construction site. Being an over-confident arts student, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. One day he decided to brag that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the wiry engineer on the site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the engineer. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, little guy!" the braggart replied. "Let's see what you have."

The engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician were out game hunting.

The engineer spied a bear in the distance, so they got a little closer.

"Let me take the first shot!" said the engineer, who missed the bear by three metres to the left.

"You're incompetent! Let me try" insisted the physicist, who then proceeded to miss by three metres to the right.

"Ooh, we *got* him!!" said the statistician.

An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining rooms at an old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point; isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bed sheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

Yeltsin in Russia announced to Parliament: "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a god after all. The worse news is God's really mad and is going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix Windows Vista."

A pilot was utterly lost and decided to fly down through the clouds and try to figure out where he was.

When he finally got close to earth he saw miles and miles of fields, all looking exactly the same, except for one that had a man standing in the middle of it staring into the air.

The pilot decided to fly close to the man and ask him for directions. When the pilot came close enough to the man he shouted “Where am I?” the man in the field shouted back: “You are in a plane”

The pilot took another circle and shouted back “You must be an IT consultant”

Man in the field: “Why… Yes I am, how did you know”

Pilot: “While your answer is technically correct it doesn’t tell me anything I don’t already know”

Man in field: “You must be a business man”

Pilot: “Why… Yes I am, how did you know”

Man in field: “Because you don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you should go….. and all of a sudden it is all my fault!”

A sultan was getting a bit cheesed off as he had six children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like an aeroplane.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.

Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like something to watch films on.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite cowboy movies.

Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son, who had caught the cowboy movie bug, replied, “Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with St Peter. St Peter says, “Bill, you’ve done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you’ll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely.”

Bill looks over St Peter’s shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed St Peter’s words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. St Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell.

The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there’s one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast.

Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with St Peter. He again looks over St Peter’s shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to St Peter, “I’ve put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but I’d like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell.” St Peter fulfills Bill’s request and returns him to Hell.

When Bill gets back to Hell there’s been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, “What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time!”

The Devil says, “Oh that… That was just the demo!”

A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.”

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp prison. I can grant you three wishes. Since there are three of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my BMW with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

A computer technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to unplug the power cord and bring it to him and he would fix it. About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Susan, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Jack, the computer guy, over to her desk. Jack clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Susan called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Susan's's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin... ;-)

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," replied Susan.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...)

I D 1 0 T

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $10,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people -- weightlifters, wrestlers, body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a safari suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $10,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

"No," replied the man. "I work as a project manager in a software company!!"

To an optimist, the glass is half full.

To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha", says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm", says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black".

"No", says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow, rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow, storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally, the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broke."

Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack.

The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"

PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG

100 little bugs in the code,

100 bugs in the code,

fix one bug, compile it again,

101 little bugs in the code.

101 little bugs in the code.....

Repeat until BUGS = 0

When a programmer goes to bed he sets out 2 glasses on his bedside table:

• One glass is full of water, in case he wants to get a drink

• One glass is empty, in case he doesn’t