Engineering Jokes 1

A physicist and an engineer were working on a top secret time travel project. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there before them appeared a very beautiful female life form.

She said to the men, "I have been without companionship for many years, if you can reach me, you can do with me as you wish. However, because of the time field, every time you move towards me you will go only half that distance."

The engineer then looked at the physicist and noticed he was very sad. "What's the matter with you? This is the opportunity of a lifetime."

The physicist replied, "Don't you see, if I go only half the distance each time, I will never actually get there. It's a hopeless situation."

The physicist then asked the engineer, "Why are you smiling?"

The engineer grinned and said, "That's true, but I'll be close enough to get the job done."

Once upon a time there were three men: a doctor, a city planner, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"

"Head up," said the doctor.

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the city planner was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the planner's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the planner was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?"

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:

"WAIT! I see what the problem is!"

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

One evening in a bar, a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer spend time talking over a drink.

After a few drinks and some stories, they raise the question of the origin of their respective professions.

The doctor begins: "In the beginning in Genesis Chapter 1, God takes a rib from Adam to create Eve. God was a surgeon, so it is the medical profession is the oldest. "

The engineer agrees, but "Yes, you are right about that, but before that, God created the Earth, the Sun and the universe out of chaos. So God was an engineer before being surgeon. Engineers are therefore the oldest profession."

The lawyer, smiling gently asked, "And you think that created the chaos?"

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6pm when he found his boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said his boss, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Well done, Well done!" said his boss as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

The engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the extras package."

The HR Manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of $200,000 a year, 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid public holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Mercedes?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you joking?"

And the HR Manager said, "Of course, ...but you started it."

Three men — a mathematician, a biologist, and an engineer — are discussing their love lives. The mathematician starts off talking about how much he loves having a wife. She takes care of him. She always there for him. She's so constant, just everything he could want.

But the biologist disagrees. "What you really need is a mistress", he says. "My wife is boring, but my mistress always makes sure there's something new and exciting going on".

Those two argue back and forth for a little while until, finally, they ask the engineer to break the tie. Which is better, a wife, or a mistress?

"I like having both", says the engineer. "That way, one of them always assumes I'm off spending time with the other one, and I can go into the office and get some work done".

An engineer took a cruise to the South Pacific Islands. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, bad weather came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.

He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman. She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality. When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

"There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus."

"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron."

"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?"

"No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a still," said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch.

After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life." "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs. "You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable."

After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?" "Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?"

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."

The accountant was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, "How much do you want it to be?"

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologise for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is never a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who come here every Friday if you could buy her a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is that to happen?"

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.

A scientist and an engineer were sharing a prison cell, both sentenced to be shot at dawn. Fortunately, they come up with a plan. As the physicist was led out to the firing squad, the engineer set fire to a small pile of straw on the window-ledge of their cell.

"Look!" the physicist yelled to his captors. "The prison is burning!" The firing squad dropped their weapons and ran to put out the conflagration. Furthermore, the Warden decided that the scientist deserved a pardon for saving the prison.

The next day the firing squad came for the engineer. However, the scientist was having a much harder time getting a large enough fire going outside the prison to draw attention. But, it wasn't until the engineer was staring down the rifle barrels that he finally saw enough smoke. So, as fast as he could, the engineer yelled "Fire!"

At a university behavioural experiment, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were presented, each in turn, with the same controlled situation: they were placed in a burning room with a centrally located tub of water, pump and hose.

The engineer immediately got the pump running, hooked up the hose, soaked the entire room with water and put out the fire. He dumped the remaining water on whatever dry spots were left.

The physicist, after running a few calculations, got the pump running, hooked up the hose and carefully metered out the water to the appropriate areas and put out the fire without wasting a drop.

The mathematician, after running a few calculations, pronounced "yes, it can be done". And left the room.

A contractor, an engineer, and an architect were standing inside their recently completed building, looking out at the street.

A very attractive woman walks by.

The contractor whistles.

The engineer says, “Did you see the legs on that woman?”

The architect says, “Did I miss something, I was admiring my reflection.”